I am Finn Mertens
by megapidgeots
Summary: Finn keeps a journal following his first encounter with his father
**Entry One**

Uh, alright, so Jake said I might wanna do a journal thing, to like, deal with the junk in my brain or whatever.

He said something about writing my feelings down, but I don't really know what that means.

I keep thinking about my name- Finn Mertens, I guess. I dunno dude, it feels wrong. Like, that's not me , right? I mean, it is, but it's like, not. I don't think "me" when I hear it. I just think of the dude who got my arm junked up.

My dad, I guess.

Not that it matters. He's a jerk. Jake said he's not worth it. I still feel like I should care though. I want to care. Maybe I'm just being selfish.

I dunno, dudes. I don't think this is working. I'm just gettin' all messed up again.

Later,

Finn

 **Entry Two**

Yeah, so a lot of stuff happened and Jake and Peebs said I should try this again.

I got this weird arm thing, like, not an arm, but like a magic arm thing, y'know? Anyway, it helped me build a giant tower so I could go, like, rip my dad's arm off. I guess that's pretty messed up, huh?

Anyway, I didn't get to because it turns out you suffocate when you go up too high, which is total bogus.

I talked to a cloud person or something when I was up there. Jake says I probably just thought I saw that but I'm pretty sure it happened. She said some pretty deep stuff and I think my brain's a bit too donked right now to think of that biz on my own.

Oh, shoot, I also punched Peebs.

That was major uncool. She said it was cool, but I dunno dude. I feel kinda messed up about it. She was all dressed up as my dad, to help me get my anger out or something? It was weird but. I'm thankful.

Still, I feel kinda bad that my friend got hurt a bit because of me, and I did scare Jake and PB.

Ah, shoot, I'm getting kinda sad again, so, later.

Finn

 **Entry Three**

It still hurts, and I don't know why.

I try not to think about it, but it shows up anyway- thoughts about my dad, I mean. I try to hide it from Jake but he keeps noticing, and trying to talk to me. I don't know if I want to talk though.

Maybe I should just work on forgiving him, maybe that will make me feel better. I'm sure there's a good person in there somewhere. I mean, I'm cool so my dad's gotta be cool too, y'know?

I wonder why he hides it, then.

I think Jake might be waking up though, so, later.

Finn

 **Entry Four**

Yeah, so that thing about my dad maybe being alright? A total bust.

He's just a selfish jerk! A selfish jerk who does nothing but lie and hurt people. I don't want anything to do with him any more. What's the point of trying? He'd never change, anyway. Besides, I have dozens and dozens of little villagers and I'm going to actually care about them! Because caring about people is something that I, Finn Mertens, do.

I guess maybe it sounds selfish when I say it like that, though. I'm not just taking care of these guys to prove I'm better than my dad, am I? I just really like them, I want to take care of them because I'm good. Yeah.

Anyway, I owe Jake and Peebs and apology, I think. They kept telling me he wasn't worth it. I didn't wanna believe it.

I'm a bit of a dingus, I guess.

Finn

 **Entry Five**

Yeah so a lot happened the last few days. Uh, my dad I guess is... gone? I don't exactly know what went down, dudes. I think he went to another dimension or something.

What a wad.

Uh, I saved the world! I think?

I'm gonna try to forget about my dad, now that he's... gone.

Finn

 **Entry Six**

Glob, I am such a selfish jerk sometimes! I can't believe I was just crying! What kinda hero cries over seeing someone else _happy_.

Right, context. Well, I saved an alternate dimension me today. Prismo helped put everything back in order, and alternate me is safe.

Safe with his family.

And I'm jealous and sad and... angry, I think? Why am I angry? That's messed up! He's happy and I should be too, but I can't be. Why does he get a happy family and I just get a wad who couldn't care less about me if he tried. We're like, the same person, right? What's up with that?

I'm being selfish, and it reminds me of my dad. Everyone always tells me I'm selfless and a hero, but, what does it mean if I'm selfish and bitter? Am I less of a hero?

Maybe this is how it started for him. Maybe this is just the beginning. Maybe I'm gonna end up just like him.

Whatever, I'm gonna start crying again. Jake's worried enough. Later,

Finn

 **Entry Seven**

Oh geez, uh, it's been quite a day. Jake and I got some magic eye things, and peeps started turning into like, manifestations of how I see them, kinda.

It was a bit weird, at first, because my friends were being turned into things and I couldn't change them back, and it wasn't like... that was all I thought of them, y'know?

And then I turned Neptr into a microwave, and then I did some really embarrassing stuff. Ran away, tried to hide from my problems. Jake wouldn't let me do that for long. He really is the best brother in the world.

I have the best friends in the world too. They all sat around, told me what they like about me. To be honest, I think I'd started to forget that there were things to like about me.

I think I'm finally ready to accept what happened with my dad now. Maybe I can finally start to move on or something.

One last thing I want to say. Something I've been thinking since I changed back to normal, and I just want to write down here so that it's somewhere, in case I forget.

I am Finn Mertens, and I am not my father.

 **Notes:**

Inspired by the most recent episode "Don't Look". New C's get Degrees chapter hopefully next week! I have four finals though, haha.


End file.
